I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
