A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My breath smells like gin and sadness
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
