I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Randomize
