Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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