I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
