as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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