I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
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