To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize