you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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