Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Randomize
