so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
You are a genius and a whore.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
