she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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