when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
Randomize