if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
