I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
