My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
