They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
