I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
