i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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