First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Randomize
