Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
