so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I must say, I don't like the act of throwing up, but the feeling after is quite delightful
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
