I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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