yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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