That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
I traded him cumming in my face for a year for a Disney annual pass. One giant leap back for feminism, one small step for the adult child Disney fan.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
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