I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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