this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Randomize
