How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
