listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Randomize
