Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
