on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
