Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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