This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
