This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
Randomize
