There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
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