I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize
