Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
