you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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