you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
