i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?
Irish Spring?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
