This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
