respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
