Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
