Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
We talked him into tasing himself.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
