Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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