Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Randomize
