If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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