Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
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