Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
