sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
It was as awful as eating cow testicles on fear factor and not winning and realizing you ate balls for nothing.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Randomize
