Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
