I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Make me a promise>>> if you ever see the brats from that tv show NYC Prep walking around, you will trip them, and you wil throw drinks on them
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
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