you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
