he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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