Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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