Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
