Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
worst night to have a conscience
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
