I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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