so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
