I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Randomize
