I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
