I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
