I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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