I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
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