Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
