He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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