Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
