when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
