I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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