I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
