so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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