Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Randomize
