Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
