Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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